The last four to five weeks have been mentally and emotionally draining for me. I have awful habits that I have come to know since things took a turn for the worst. I stare out my window for time periods of about 15 minutes waiting for that stupid, bloody grey-black ute to appear, I vacantly stare at his name on Facebook seeing if he is online, I read through old messages wondering how I lost grip of the one thing that I held so dearly.
I miss him and I have done nothing but wish he could come back ever since we said ‘no more’.
I miss the delicate feel of his callused fingers on the small of my back. Protectively he guided me as we walked through doorways, as he helped me into cars or even as we walked through the local Macdonalds at midnight laughing at nothing. He was my own personal body guard. I felt so safe.
I miss the goofy feeling i felt when i was around him. I made myself become the biggest fool in public so I could hear the musical sound of his crazy laugh. It made me melt. I pulled out the grinch walk one time. Yep, the big guns. I strut my stuff straight through the confectionary aisle of the local grocery store. Everyone judged me, but he didn’t. He knew i was never game enough to steal Christmas… only his heart. I miss the sound of his laugh. I miss making his day.
I miss the feeling of his hand in mine as he drove. He drove a manual car but that didn’t stop him. He pulled his hand away for a slight moment just to change the gears, but I didn’t mind because I knew it would return to me. I would plant kisses on his hand, and he would return them. It would be our own little game with no intended winner or loser. I still feel those kisses.
I miss the way he looked at me. I could be all dressed up or I could look like Frankenstein. He would still look at me as if i were Beyonce. The look of admiration was what made looking into his blue eyes all the more enjoyable. I felt like his own personal shinning star, because I knew that I was the cause of his admiration. That one time when I was drunk, he forced me to look into his eyes and he confessed how he was absolutely ‘crazy’ about me. I’ll never forget the look of passion behind his blue eyes. I could have drowned in them. They were so deep.
I miss the random drives. We were bored? Oh well… we just took the car for a long drive. We drove where ever the road would lead us to with no real idea as to what our destination was. It only mattered that we were together. Just talking and singing in a tone deaf manner to a song we barely knew the words to. It didn’t matter to me, because his voice was just magical. The little chats we had while he drove still mean the world to me. They dance around in my head just before I close my eyes at night. I wonder if those chats could ever reappear? I’d drive for weeks to get them back.
I miss the long text messages at 2am in the morning. Our words were distorted from a haze of sleepiness. We would simply disregarded our early 6am alarms that were waiting for us in the morning. We would effortlessly drown in each others company even when we weren’t together. I miss seeing his name pop up on my phone with a brand new message for me to smile like an idiot to.
I miss the times when things got tough. When ripping my hair out or screaming into pillows seemed so welcoming because of his stubbornness. I miss the times of difficulty because at the end of the day it made us stronger. In times where we would fight or argue, I would look forward to that recovery. Our fights were always over stupid little things. I remember the fight over the ice bucket challenge. I remember you let me win.
I miss the way he would show me off to his friends. I was made to look bigger than life. Like I was his brand new toy. I miss how proud he was of me telling everyone what i strived to become and what I longed to be one day. I wonder what they think of me now?
I miss the sound of his voice telling me that he loved me. The shivers down my spine when he whispered those three words into my ear are deeply missed and longed for as we grow further apart. Those words are probably meaningless now. To me they are full of life.
We ended things to prevent further hurt. I doubt it could have hurt more than this but. When every fibre in your body screams that this is wrong, but you still can’t change it to make it right. What pain could be worse than that?
He was going away. Which means in a certain circumstance all the things I miss now I would have eventually missed anyway. But now it’s gone completely with no chance of it ever returning to me. I could have got all of this back once every so often. That short, yet long distance of 275km would have made everything I would miss so much more special. What I missed could have been returned to me. But now the story has dust on all of it’s pages. It won’t come back no matter how desperately I call it.
I worry now. I worry that all of the things I miss aren’t missed by you also. That every tear I shed because I don’t have these little memories anymore aren’t causing you the same pain. I worry that all of this will fade. I don’t want it to fade.
Why did we do this to ourselves? Why didn’t we try and make this work? We were worth so much more fight. You would have gone away and come back to me in a way that would have made me proud and happy to be yours.
But now… I’m just the girl that you gave up on. The girl that you left behind on a dusty car park floor with tears in her eyes praying that it was all just a nightmare. Then you… you’re just the guy I let get away. The one that I let go way too easily. I’m sorry. I should have held on stronger. I shouldn’t have let you slip so easily.
But it’s all gone now… and it isn’t coming back.
I miss it.